


until your heart goes numb

by paintngoldtrash



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, ED Recovery, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, First Loves, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, No Smut, Some angst?, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, basically me venting some of my feelings, i worked on this for ten hours straight instead of sleeping, title from Novocaine - Fall Out Boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 02:26:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8648221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paintngoldtrash/pseuds/paintngoldtrash
Summary: Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens went to school together since middle school, but Alex only began paying attention to John in sophomore year.  That was when John was still ‘Jaqueline,’ and still starved himself to look more like the man he saw himself to be in the future.





	

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags for all content warnings and stay safe loves!

 

Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens went to school together since middle school, but Alex only began paying attention to John in sophomore year.

 

That was when John was still ‘Jaqueline,’ and still starved himself to look more like the man he saw himself to be in the future.

 

They were in the same honours biology class, and it started with Alex asking to work with John on the ‘big idea’ worksheet they were given, despite Alex’s best friend, Hercules Mulligan, sitting two rows in front of them. John had tentatively agreed, but was quiet while they worked, continuously pulling on the front of his oversized sweatshirt to keep his chest from being to prevalent and his stomach from jutting out too much. Alex had given him a weird look, and muttered something about how loud John used to be, and how, if John didn’t mind him saying so, he seemed like a shell of his ‘former self’. John just shrugged, and said he didn’t understand what Alex meant. Alex recalled the February day when John broke down in front of their honours history, and John smiled tentatively, told him s _ometimes my nerves got the best of me_ , _especially when giving projects that I’m not particularly proud of, and all eyes were on me_ . Alex had nodded; _like everyone is scrutinizing you, and their eyes bear holes into your body, exposing your soul_ , he’d whispered. _Exactly!_ John said, a small, faint smile ghosting over his lips; someone understood, he’d thought.

 

Alex continued asking John to work, at least twice a week, if not more, and John soon began feeling comfortable around Alex. After a month, Alex asked him out.

 

It wasn’t in their biology class, but during lunch; they both had Lunch Three, and they sat a couple tables from each other. John was walking back to his table with his lunch (a salad, an apple juice, and some celery; about 150 calories) when Alex came up to him, a chocolate milk in his shaking hands and a strange look on his face. _So,_ he’d started out, _I know we don’t really talk outside of bio, but, Jackie- do you wanna, um, go on a date?_ John had made a face, confused, but nodded. _Uh- yeah. Yeah, sure._ Alex had nodded too, his eyes squinting weirdly at John but with a hint of amusement behind them. _Okay. Cool. What do you say the movies, this friday?_ A strange, ghost of a smile hung over his lips while he looked down at John. _Yeah, Friday._ John nodded again, glancing down at his tray. _Well, I uh, I gotta go._

 

 _Yeah, you- you go,_ Alex nodded, again, and let John slip past, his eyes still watching John’s back until John sat down. John’s friends- two sisters, Eliza and Peggy, a girl named Isabella, and Isabella’s boyfriend, Charles- gave him a weird look and Peggy asked him what Alex had wanted, with a slight pang of sadness in her voice; John felt bad about agreeing to the date, then, because he knew Peggy had a crush on Alex- but, he also knew that Peggy was a freshman, and Alex probably would never date her, so he didn’t feel as bad as he should; but he still shrugged, muttering something about biology class, and quietly munched on his celery.

 

The date snuck up on him, and he woke up two days later, on that Friday, frantic and anxious; he threw up that morning, worried that Alex had only asked him out on a dare, and that Alex’s friends would jump out of the car when he got in it, yelling _PUNKED!_ and holding a video camera, ready to put John’s lost hope on the internet for everyone to see and laugh at.

 

Who could even like John anyway? He was just some _fat girl,_ some trainwreck, some creature from the gutter who didn’t deserve to be brought out into the real world. He’d glanced in the mirror that morning, brushing his cropped hair around his head before deciding that it was going to look bad anyway. He didn’t put any makeup on, deciding that if he wanted, he would put some on before Alex picked him up, and he made his way out of the house, hands shaking in anxiety and anticipation at the coming day.

 

The school day was fine; Alex was nice, talked about their date as if it was real- John still wasn’t so sure- and even offered to drop John off at his house after school. John had said no; _I only live like, thirty feet from the school anyway,_ and made his way home- his anxiety had dissipated, luckily, but he knew that it would come back the closer it got to 7, when Alex would come to pick him up.

 

He worked on his homework for a couple hours, staying in his room to avoid his family and their prying eyes, before getting ready. He decided on makeup, only putting on a little bit of concealer, foundation, and eyeliner on; and then pulled on a semi-tight black tee shirt (it was nice, but it wasn’t fancy; they were only going to the movies, and if he _was_ being punked, then he didn’t want to seem like he was trying to hard) and a pair of black jeggings. When he glanced in the mirror, he barely recognized the face and body staring back at him; his breasts were _so_ noticeable, despite the tight sports bra he was wearing under the shirt, his hips jutted out in an hourglass shape, and his thighs shaped his privates _just so,_ framing his fucking lack of a penis. He hated it; he almost vomited looking at himself, but he turned away, tugging at the shirt he chose to wore and debating changing. He didn’t have time, however; there was a knock on the door, and his father opened it up to reveal a smiling Alex, hair styled neatly on his head. John barely heard their conversation, just the words ‘date,’ and ‘Jacqueline,’ and ‘take good care of.’ He knew his father was giving the ‘good father’ speech; pretending to be kind and loving and caring. John walked into the room just as his father finished speaking, smiling at Alex and nodding to his father. After a couple more loosely-veiled threats on John’s father’s part, and apologies on John’s part, Alex and John got out the door, and they made their way to Alex’s (mother’s) car. None of Alex’s friends were in the car, and no one jumped out with shouts and a video camera, but that didn’t stop John’s heart from speeding up in fear.

 

At the movies, no one jumped out at John either, and he slowly got used to the situation; the way Alex would turn to look at him with a smile every few minutes, and the comfortable quiet that perforated the area between the two; John, naturally quiet, and Alex, too afraid to speak. They decided to see a horror movie that had gotten a lot of good reviews on _Rotten Tomatoes,_ and they went to get their popcorn and their drinks; Alex said he’d pay for it all, because he was the one who asked John on the date. The person behind the counter smiled at the two- it was knowing, as if they knew the pair were on a first date- and asked what they wanted. _You want some popcorn?_ Alex had turned to John, and John sucked in a breath, his throat closing up. _Jackie?_ Oh shit, John thought, before shaking his head and swallowing. _N-no thanks, just a Diet Pepsi please._ Alex nodded, and as they walked to the theatre, Alex mused, with a smirk on his face, _You know, diet isn’t that good for you._

 

 _No aspartame in Pepsi,_ John had replied, sucking on his straw. Alex just shrugged.

 

The rest of the date went swimmingly- at least, John thought so. No one had tried to make a fool out of him (though, he knew he did that himself at the popcorn station; luckily, Alex seemed to have just brushed that off) and it seemed Alex was actually interested in what he had to say. John jumped a few times at the particularly scary jumpscares, and Alex ended up wrapping his arm around him halfway through the movie.

 

After the movie, Alex offered to take him for ice cream, and John, after going over his intake for that day- 452 calories- agreed. Alex smiled and they climbed in his car. When he dropped John off, he felt semi-sick from the ice cream weighing down his stomach, but he smiled at Alex, assuring him that he had a lot of fun on the date, and would like to do it again; going out on a limb, and hoping it was strong enough to support him. _Yeah, I’d like that too,_ Alex had said, _How about next Saturday?_

 

_Yeah, I think I’m free._

 

_Cool._

 

_Cool._

 

John paused, then muttered his goodbye and slid out of the car, waving at the door as Alex drove away. He slinked into the house, head down and bangs falling in his face, hoping he wouldn’t see his father, but no such luck. His father pestered him with questions, and John just shrugged, telling him he’d talk to him tomorrow, but he was really tired.

 

 _Maybe this nice boy will make you drop outta that phase of yours,_ his father shouted up to him as he came upstairs, and John felt like he could throw up there; when he was in eighth grade, John came out as a lesbian to his father, and his father freaked out, telling him he was ‘too young’ to know, and John ended up being kicked out for a couple days. His father continued to pester him every so often, which is why he’d never came out as trans; he could handle the ‘beautiful daughter’s and ‘she’s and ‘Jacqueline’s.

 

When he got to his room- he had an attic bedroom, with his own personal bathroom- he stripped and turned the shower water on before kneeling in front of the toilet and shoving a finger down his throat; the ice cream was smooth, but cold, as it came up, and he cringed. He hated purging, but he knew that he’d ate too much, and had to do _something_ about it. Finishing, he flushed, and climbed into the shower, washing up quickly and heading to bed.

 

Their next date was cancelled, and then it wasn’t. They’d agreed on going out to eat on Wednesday, but when Saturday rolled around, Alex texted John that he had to babysit his little sister, Martha. John had replied _okay,_ rolling over on his bed and sighing; Alex didn’t like him after all.

 

After a few minutes, however, Alex texted him again- _if you want you can come over. It won’t be as fun as going out to eat, but we can chill and watch a movie?-_ and John smiled and replied _yes,_ jumping up from his bed and dancing around; he knew it was such a stereotypical girl thing, but he didn’t care too much. He was also glad that he wouldn’t have to go out to eat; he’d done some research on the place they’d chosen, and pre-picked out a meal, but it was _350 calories,_ and John felt sick just thinking of it. It was a win-win, really. He finished working on the schoolwork he was working on before and got ready, his hands shaking as he pulled a tee shirt on; he decided that he was going to wear a pair of black jeggings and a Blink-182 tee shirt, since Alex said it was ‘chill’. He knew he was probably fussing too much, and being a stereotypical _girl,_ but he didn’t care; Alex liked him as _Jacqueline_ anyway, so who cared if he acted like a girl? He was a girl. Everyone thought he was, anyway.

He walked to Alex’s (it was a thirty minute walk, meaning he burnt about 80 calories) at around five, and was greeted by a little girl with blonde curls pulled into pigtails and a pink tutu at the door. She shouted to Alex, _your dates here!_ and then motioned for him to come in, complimenting her hair, then asking why he kept it short if he was a girl. John shrugged uncomfortably as Alex ran down the stairs, shouting, _Martha, you can’t just ask people that!_ John smiled thankfully, and they went into the kitchen so Alex could grab his phone. His house was small and clean in a homey way, but it was nice. Alex began explaining how his parents were on a business trip, and a babysitter was supposed to come, but they cancelled last minute. John just shrugged, and they made their way into the living room and switched on the tv. Looking Alex up and down, John felt a strange, tugging feeling in his chest; Alex was wearing a tight black tee shirt and a pair of blue jeans, and he looked so _masculine._ John envied him, as sad as that sounded. He wanted to look like that; he didn’t want to have a large bust and an hourglass figure and a fucking _vagina;_ he wanted to look like a boy.

 

He turned away from Alex, blinking a couple times to keep himself from tearing up; those thoughts weren’t thoughts he should think while at his boyfriend’s house- his _heterosexual_ boyfriend’s house.

 

The rest of the evening was nice; they watched a couple different movies, and kissed four times (John counted). Alex offered to ride John home, but John refused; the walk there would burn half the calories of what he ate at Alex’s. They kissed right before John left, too, but Martha interrupted them with a big, loud, _EW!_ John and Alex had laughed, and John slipped out the door.

 

\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

 

The next few months were wonderful; Alex and John got closer, and told each other practically everything. They began smoking together; at first, it was just every couple fridays, to unwind, but they began smoking every Friday before long, and then almost every other day or every two days. John would tell Alex how he feels, how he _really_ feels, as they share a blunt; _sometimes I wish I was the smoke, graceful and fleeting and utterly untouchable and light,_ he mused one night, and Alex nodded somberly, whispering something about self destruction versus self preservation- how the former was so easy and the latter was so hard. They bonded over their own fucked up lives and deadbeat dads (Alex was adopted; his ‘real’ dad left when he was eight) and got closer. They never went _all the way._

 

One Friday night (a night where the were surprisingly sober), they were making out on John’s bed, his parents and siblings out doing various things, the television playing some obscure movie across the room, and Alex tried to slip his hand up John’s shirt. John had pulled away, whispering, _Alex, sorry, but I- I’m not ready._ Alex had nodded, understanding, and John asked if they could possibly just watch the movie and cuddle. Of course, Alex complied, but John felt like he was making him uncomfortable by telling him to stop, despite Alex’s whispered reassurances.

 

He began eating less and less too; he rarely goes over 600 now, but he tries to keep under 400. He can feel his hair get brittle and dry, and a lot of it comes out when he washes his hair, so he uses hats to cover it up. No one really notices, or if they do, they don’t say anything about it; they’re probably glad that the fat kid is fixing herself.

 

John moved to Alex’s table, ignoring the looks from Peggy and Eliza; he felt bad, but he also didn’t care- he wasn’t close to anyone at that table either, and he rarely spoke to them. Were you supposed to like the people you were friends with in high school? He didn’t think so. Sometimes Alex gave him weird looks when he threw his lunch tray away with almost all of it on it, but he never said anything, and John didn’t tell him. If Alex really cared, John thought, he’d ask about it.

 

They both learn that they’re incredibly alike; they like the same music ( _twenty one pilots_ are John’s, _PVRIS_ are Alex’s) and love nighttime more than daytime ( _it’s just_ something _about nighttime that is so compelling; you can get so many things done without anyone pestering you, and the moon is always your guide,_ Alex had said; John had jumped up, smiling, and exclaimed enthusiastically, _Yes!)._ Alex wanted to be a lawyer, to help immigrant kids in the _program_ (John wasn’t really sure what the ‘program’ was- he assumed adoption?) like himself, and John wanted to be a veterinarian, to help the innocent animals that can’t help themselves _(animals are innocent by nature,_ he’d said to Alex, who nodded along, listening intently, _and if they are mean, or ‘bad’, that’s the fault of the human who raised them, not the animal itself)_.

 

During their spring break, John and Alex got high together, and Alex told John that he was bisexual. They were hiding in the woods, on a platform created by Hercules’s father when he was a kid, passing a bowl between the two of them and lying down, staring at the canopy of trees above them as the sun slowly began to set. _Have you ever thought about falling in love with a girl?_ Alex had mused, and John was confused by what he meant, until he remembered that Alex still saw him as a girl. John had nodded, then said out loud, _yeah, sometimes,_ and Alex had said, _I think I could fall in love with a guy. Or really, anyone, no matter who they are or what parts they have. I think I’m bi. I don’t know though._

 

_I think the same thing; gender- gender doesn’t really matter to me._

 

Alex had nodded, and John had felt this weird swell in his chest; if Alex was bisexual.. Then he wouldn’t be so weirded out if John came out as well… _John._ He wanted to blurt it out right then- _I’m a guy! I want to be called John and have a dick and be in a fucking gay relationship with you, not a straight one!_ but he didn’t; he didn’t know how Alex would react, and he wanted to plan it out, not just let it slip out of his mouth in a mess of weed and hopefulness. He wanted to be prepared for rejection, to be told that he was lying, or fake, or possibly disgusting, or all of the above. So he kept quiet, and they finished the gram of weed they’d bought together before stumbling up the hill (it was way too high, it made John’s asthma act up) and into Alex’s house; his sister was away and his parents were still at work, so they had time to sober up before they were confronted by any adults or the prying eyes of little children.

 

By the end of the break, they were inseparable; in the hallways between classes, they held each other, sharing small kisses and reassuring words, before being pried apart by the late bell, and rushing to their classes. Hercules, who hung with them sometimes, rolled his eyes every time they kissed, muttering something about straight people and smothering; John thought he said either _you straights are smothering me_ or _I want to smother straights,_ but he didn’t care too much; too much in love.

 

Alex began pestering him about food; telling John he was ‘too skinny’ somehow, and that he needed to ‘look out’ for himself. John just rolled his eyes, but complied; he’d eat a small portion of his lunch, giving the rest to Hercules or one of the other boys at the table, and then would eat a small bit of dinner with Alex on the nights he ate with Alex; on the others, he wouldn’t eat anything. During the weekend, he’d eat a full lunch and dinner with Alex both nights (he’d also eat breakfast with Alex if his father allowed, but his father was a _cockblock_ , according to Alex; John wasn’t allowed to stay over because ‘teen pregnancy’ or something). Every night when he got home, either from Alex’s or from school, he’d purge as much as it as possible, and would work off the rest of the calories, and then at least 300 more. He presumed he ate approximately 600-700 calories during the weekdays, on average, and about 800 during the weekend, on average; despite the calorie climb (which made him sick to even think about) he was still continuously losing weight.

 

They hadn’t had sex yet, John being too anxious about the entire ordeal, but they had gone to second base, and once Alex looked at John’s bony body, he frowned, concern etched on his face until John reassured him that he was naturally that way, and that it was healthy.

 

Despite John’s constant reassurances that he was healthy, Alex still constantly brooded and fretted over him, which made John uneasy.

 

All of Alex’s worried and troubles surrounding John’s eating habits come crashing down on the both of them when John was in algebra class. They didn’t have the class together, and it was before lunch; John hadn’t ate anything the day before, as Alex was sick, and he had frantically worked out until he passed out in his bed. He hadn’t wanted to get to school that day, but he forced himself to go anyway, if not just to see Alex.

 

Months of malnutrition finally caught up to him; when he was asked to write down one of his answers on the board, he tripped over his own two feet somehow, crashing down between the rows of students in desks and hearing an internal _crack_ (that turned out to be his wrist) before the world faded to black around him.

 

He woke up a couple seconds after, and was immediately brought into the nurse’s office, where Alex and Hercules and the nurse surrounded him and fussed over him and they talk about an ambulance being called. John tried to protest, but his voice died in his throat as he saw how worried Alex looked; his eyes rimmed red and bloodshot, and John knew that he was crying; the only other time he’d seen Alex cry was when he spoke about his mother dying or the hurricane that ruined his little island on the caribbean when he was 12.

 

The ambulance was just protocol, the nurse told him, as he didn’t seem that hurt; just a broken wrist. His father had been called, but he was on a business trip and couldn’t make it.

 

The people at the hospital wrapped his wrist and checked his vitals, telling him that he was underweight but not enough to be hospitalized; the nurse pulled Alex aside and told him _Look after her, make sure she’s okay,_ before Hercules, Alex, and John left, deciding to go out to eat and then head to John’s house. Knowing he had to eat to not make Alex suspicious, John ordered a hamburger without cheese and a side of green beans and a Diet Pepsi. Alex had smiled and recalled their first date, and they giggled as Hercules rolled his eyes.

 

At three, Hercules left to pick up his little brother, and Alex asks about John’s siblings; John had reassured him that they take a bus home, and they had settled back together, arms wrapped around each other, Alex whispering sweet nothings to John and peppering kisses on his wrist. After John’s siblings came home, they decided to move upstairs, lying together on John’s bed, arms wrapped around each other haphazardly.

 

John took a deep breath and pulled himself closer to Alex, letting his scent intoxicate and overwhelm him; he smelt like aftershave and deodorant.

 

 _I have something to tell you,_ he breathed out, voice barely heard over the television. Alex straightened up and nodded. The words felt foreign on his tongue; he didn’t know if he’d ever said them out loud before, but he let them slip past his lips before he could regret them, his entire body shaking in fear; _I’m transgender._ Alex didn’t speak, so John continued; _I like being called- called John, and he, and like, I- I want a dick, and a flat chest, and stubble, and to be seen as a boy._

 

_Okay._

 

_Okay?_

 

_It’s not really my place to say anything, I don’t think._

 

_Okay._

 

They were quiet together, for another couple minutes, until; _I know you have an eating disorder._

 

 _Okay,_ John whispered; he didn’t know what else he was supposed to say. There was nothing else _to_ say. It was something he always wanted to hear, in a sick way, because it would _prove_ he was sick (and possibly hammer one of the remaining nails in the coffin), which is what he’d always wanted. Alex began talking about treatment plans, but John didn’t listen. When Alex finished talking, John kissed him, but it was different from their ‘normal’ kisses. There was an urgency to the kiss, a force and a passion. John knew that they both had realised that they both were very, very mortal, not the gods they saw themselves as in their heads, like every teenager. Even when hating himself, John thought of himself as a god. He thought that he was impenetrable, as if he couldn’t get hurt- that’s why he’d started starving himself: because he thought he couldn’t get hurt when doing it, even though he technically knew otherwise, and when the hunger cramps and pains hit him, it made him remember he could bleed, and he loved it even more, in a sadistic way. He loved being reminded of his humanity.

 

He felt very human that night.

 

They didn’t have sex that night; John wasn’t ready, and in a way, neither was Alex. Disregarding John’s father’s rules, Alex stayed over that night, dusting kisses up and down John’s face and neck and clothed chest. They both say _I love you_ that night too, their declarations of love lost in the night, and just as the day began to break, Alex asked about John being transgender; how he felt, how long he knew, why didn’t he tell Alex before, and John giggled before answering, eyes staring out the window as the stars faded away and the sun set his bedroom aglow. Alex was quiet, nodding on occasion, and John talked until he heard his father calling up to him; _Jacqueline, you better be fucking awake for school! I’ll come up there and break your other wrist if you’re not!_ His voice was threatening, and John flinched; Alex brought him closer, shushing him and rubbing his hair.

 

The next couple weeks are a blur of setting up therapy and talking to Alex; because he was over 14, he was able to get help without anyone noticing his parents or any family members, which he was very thankful for, and Alex made sure to get a trans-inclusive therapist. Of course, Alex didn’t understand John 100%, but he tried; he really did. Sometimes, John got exasperated at Alex’s lack of knowledge, but it wasn’t Alex’s fault, and he knew he shouldn’t hold it against him. Some days, he does anyway.

 

Therapy is expensive, but the therapist promises a pay plan, and Alex gets a job, despite John’s protests that he can pay for it himself. Alex was way too determined, but that was why John loved him.

 

He got a dietician, who introduced him to a diet plan and helped reintroduce him to the foods he cut out while restricting.

 

It was hard. Some days, he didn’t want to get out of bed or go see his therapist or dietician, knowing that they’d give him sympathetic looks and be disappointed in him because of a particularly bad day. He knew that relapses, even tiny, miniscule ones that didn’t seem important, would happen, and would be important, but he didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to get back on the boat after it was tipped.

 

On a particularly bad night at Alex’s house, John broke down after accidentally noticing the amount of calories in the buns they were using on their burgers; they were different buns than the ones he was used to. It was embarrassing, and he hated himself for it, but he began crying quietly in the kitchen as Alex, his parents, and his sister waited in the dining room. After a couple minutes, Alex came in to see what was wrong, and John saw his face fall when he saw John. He rushed forward and wrapped his arms around John, and John began crying harder, whispering _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_ over and over. Alex whispered back to him, _It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re going to be okay,_ until John stopped crying. When he’d finally caught his breath, they walked into the dining room, Alex’s parents- George and Martha Washington, John reminds himself- give him a knowing sympathetic look but luckily saying nothing as Alex and John sat down. They knew about his eating disorder, and John thought that they were where the money was coming from to pay for therapy, but he didn’t ask and Alex didn’t tell.

 

A couple months after the dinner with Alex’s parents, John came out to everyone at school, and asked to be called _John_ and _he_ and a _boy,_ and people comply. Luckily, his school was rather open-minded; and they didn’t tell his father or any of his family members, which he was glad about. He came out to his siblings, too, knowing they were old enough to understand what their father meant when he complained about ‘their sister not being a good Christian child anymore.’

 

He got a binder, too, free through an online program, and he slowly began dressing more masculinely, though rarely in his own house; he couldn’t risk his father finding out, and he didn’t think he could take any comments from his father, either.

 

The week before the end of the school year, he found his way to the table he used to sit at; Eliza, Peggy, Isabella, and Charles all still sat there. Eliza and Peggy were both colloquial, but clearly still upset with him. He apologized profusely, explaining to them that he wanted to be their friends still. Peggy agreed, shrugging something about Alex never going for freshies anyway, and, after a little more coaxing, Eliza agreed as well; she was always the tougher of the two.

 

Things seemed to be looking up for John. He was looking forward to his future, his _healthy_ future, as a vet, and he couldn’t wait until he turned 18 so he could ditch his father.

  
_All in due time,_ he reminded himself as he left school that day. _All in due time._

 

They had sex the night of the last day of school; it was nothing extraordinary, but John felt so close to Alex, and so loved, and so  _worthy._ Alex whispered sweet words against John's sweaty forehead as they came simultaneously; together, and so, _so_ in love. They lied together in John's bed when they finished, naked, their hands dancing up and down the other's torso. Before, John would have never done something like  _that-_ he was too ashamed of his body, and the fat he thought he had, that he denied himself those beautiful things.  _I love you more than you could know,_ he whispered to Alex as he fell asleep. 

 _I love you too,_ Alex whispered, his breath dancing against John's neck. 

 

And, as cliche as that sounded, that was enough; for them, at least, in that little moment.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!!


End file.
